marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
