I'm so fucking centered right now
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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