Cold hands, warm shart.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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