I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
