I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
