my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
