smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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