Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
