So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just had sex bonerless
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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