Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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