someone threw a dead crab at me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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