Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
