oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
