I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
