her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
