Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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