So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
