I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
