if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
