dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
