Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
