Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
