I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Drunk walkin through police station. America
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
