Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
