The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We need a shit load of segways right now
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
