YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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