In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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