she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
