Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
