dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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