Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
