I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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