Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
