I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
