2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
