yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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