i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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