You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
