We named our party play list daddy issues
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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