dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
