i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
