I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
