I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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