We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
