Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
