Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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