You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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