If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
