you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
