I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
